Work. Bleh.

I have been working like crazy lately!  This week I'll probably have close to 70 hours.  Though, it's boring to work that much, I am truly grateful for the opportunity to make some extra money.

I have been neglecting my "self" time a bit. I just haven't made the hours to devote to myself physically. I have missed a few more days of yoga than I'd like to admit. The past 2 weeks it's been more of a 3 day per week practice, rather than everyday.  What can I say?  I work 10 hours and still have to squeeze in kid's homework, dinner, cleaning, errands, and the occasional shower.

I haven't been writing as much either...just thought I'd write it down so I can refer back to this one day and see how well I handled this load.

Will I reward myself for my hard work? Absolutely! I did make time to reserve a small cottage in the Gulf, and we're taking a 3 day getaway on the kid's spring break.  I CAN'T wait!!!  I'll make up plenty of yoga time with a warm gulf breeze on my face.

What's in driving distance of you? Can you make time to take a inexpensive, mini-getaway?

Some Place In Between

Over the weekend I took some time to think about my place in the world.  Where do I fit in, in the big scheme of things? What is my purpose? Where is my place?

I'm not a rich person in the eyes of most people, though I have the most important riches which are love and family.  I'm not poor, even though I without a savings account and I live paycheck to paycheck. I'm just some place in between.

I'm not a motivational speaker, a miracle worker, or a counselor. I'm also not one to turn my back on someone in need of an ear, a shoulder, or shelter. I'm just some place in between. I find encouragement and inspiration in the strong, and I help and defend those who need it and cant defend themselves.

I guess what I'm saying is, I know there are people stronger than me. I admit I need to feel inspired and motivated by things that others say and do. But, I also know I am here to help other people as well.  Several times throughout my life, people have told how much something I have said or done has helped them in one way or another.

I am comfortable in this place right now. A place where I can seek guidance and help when I need it. The same place where I can help and guide or inspire others who need me.

Some people may not understand that... how is it possible to help someone when you need help yourself?  It just is. I know it's possible because I've been here for years and years.

Knowing you CAN

I often feel like can do many things in my life.  I often say I know I can do those things. Do I believe it?  Sometimes I do, depending on what it is. Other times I am trying really hard to have faith in that knowing...which really means, I think, that I don't believe it.

Today I feel like I need to step up a little bit and start KNOWING that I can do all the things I want to do and be.  I need to make it a feeling, and I need to add it to the changes I'm practicing.  I'll tell you where I started to struggle in these changes I'm implementing:

I get discouraged. Discouraging feelings make me question if what I "know" is right.

What happens when I get discouraged? Probably the same thing that happens when you get discouraged. You start to give up, and say you'll try again later.

I'll admit, the past 4 days I have not been doing a fantastic job with my yoga and meditation practice. (I've been doing it half the time or even a quarter of the time. Better than nothing, but not a good enough effort on my part).  I started to feel like I should have "lost weight" since I started doing this in the beginning of the year. Even though my initial focus was to improve my health, I sort of figured that losing weight was going to be a package deal so I hadn't worried about it. For some reason, it slapped me in the face the past few days and I started to think my efforts were being wasted a bit.

I was getting discouraged  the past few days because I was focusing on the wrong things.  Today I woke up and chose to refocus my energy to the positive things that have come from yoga and meditation. 

-I am physically stronger and I can FEEL it in my muscles
-I have improved flexibility
-I have stressed less. Much less.
-I have been more patient with myself and my surroundings
-I have been choosing to eat better, because I feel better
-I sleep more soundly

There are probably other benefits that I haven't quite notice yet, but I will see them eventually.  I just need to keep doing this. I have to KNOW that I can.  I have to act on that knowing. And, if I look at this list of positives, then I KNOW that what I initially set out to do (improve my health) is working!  So I can't stop, and I don't want to.

My Goddess card (I'll talk about those later) for today was Sekhmet. She said, "Be Strong. You are stronger than you think and your strength assures a happy outcome."

I can do this. I KNOW I CAN.

Why Stress?

How many things do you have to accomplish today? Tomorrow? Next week? If I asked myself those questions right now, I'd start stressing out because I'm sure the number is high.  I have been doing extremely well with remaining present. I've had a few slips, (I'm still practicing) but overall I've been quite successful.

If you focus on what you are doing in the moment, things start to settle down within you.  It's so easy for your mind to start wandering in multiple directions when we worry about everything other than what we're doing right now. Then that starts toying with your emotions, then your clarity and focus, then your blood pressure (if you're anything like me). Next thing you know, your snacking on something you may not really want to eat, or feel an urge to drink...whatever your "mind-easer" is. Then a few minutes later your back in the same vicious cycle.

I noticed as I went through this cycle, I would rarely feel a much needed sense of accomplishment.  The reason for that was, once I accomplished one thing, I didn't take time to appreciate it because my mind was already focused on all the other things I still hadn't done.  The whens and the hows really consumed the majority of my days resulting in stress. And that stress usually turned into more stress.

I still have a lot of work to do on myself, but I know where to channel my thoughts now. I can think of things I want to do, and set goals, but I need not worry right now about how that can happen. I need to be thankful for each day. I need to focus on the things at hand without worrying about what comes next. How do I feel right now? What I can appreciate today? Is the weather nice enough to go for a quick walk? 

It is the best, and most natural way to start living stress free, or at least with less stress.  Be present.

What worries from yesterday and tomorrow can you eliminate today?

Holiday Weekend

I'll start by saying that Saturday was a good day. Meaning, I did yoga and wrote on this blog. But, Sunday and Monday I did neither of the two, as well as indulged in a few unhealthy snacks.  Does that mean they weren't also good days? Again I had a little debate in my head, but I think overall, they were good. I still made sure to do somethings for myself, and health was also involved (aside from some of my food choices).


First, we went shopping for new pots and pans. Why not? I got a few hundred dollars back on my tax return, and I was painfully tired of using old, mismatched, peeling-teflon, pans. I found a beautiful set of stainless steel pots and pans, WAY above what I'd normally spend on myself $$$. I justified this purchase for a couple reasons. One, this is a safe alternative to toxic teflon/nonstick surface pots/pans. Health Bonus! Two, they should last nearly forever, as opposed to the cheap ones I've been replacing every couple years. Three, I've been wanting them for YEARS.  Done.

Next, we decided we ALL needed a new (better) bed.  This kid's bed (they share a full-sized) was a hand-me-down and wasn't very comfortable at all. You know a bed is bad when a child complains of the comfort level.  And, our bed was fairly decent, but just not quite right for Joe and I. Plus we had been toying with the idea of getting a king size (we also had a full).  The kids however, love our bed.  The pillow top and added softness was just what they wanted. So, they got ours, and we splurged on a big bed.  What exactly is a splurge for us?  A bargain usually shows up at just the perfect time. We found an older couple who had bought this bed (mattress to be exact) for nearly $2,000, barely used it, and they decided it was too soft for them.  So we scored it for ...wait for it...$300!!!  Now that is a steal for the practically new bed from heaven.  Of course these changes in sleeping arrangements improve health.  Health can't survive when you aren't properly rested.  My only problem now might be my new found desire to stay in bed!  It's truly amazing. Joe is in love with the bed as well.  He was having some problems sleeping though the night on the last bed.

The last thing I did was take some time COMPLETELY alone yesterday. I went and got a hair wash and cut.  Getting my hairwashed is one of the most relaxing things I could do for myself. It just feels so fantasitc to me!  Then I went and treated myself to a frappacino at Starbucks (which I never do), then drove down to Goodwill.  This may not sound like an exciting day to many people, but I truly enjoyed myself.  Going to the thrift store alone really is fun. I love searching for nothing in particular and seeing what I actually leave with. Yesterday it was 6 books, an organizer for the kids bathroom, a super cute tunic for myself, and a couple cute tops for the girls.  The key to enjoyiung the thrift store for me, is going by myself.  Because I can take as long as I want!

Overall, great weekend!  Make sure to make time for yourself, and do things for yourself, and occasionally buy things for yourself.  You deserve it!

Now, back to focusing on yoga and eating well...

Ignoring Negativity

I have a really positive energy today. I did yesterday as well, even though I had someone really try to bring me down.

Though I don't believe it was intentional, the person I was speaking with told me I CANNOT achieve all of my goals.  He said, "Just don't get your hopes up because achieving your goals is just not possible."  This was told to me when I simply said that I have a lot of goals that I want to accomplish. I didn't even SPECIFY what any of my goals were, so how could this person tell me that my goals aren't achievable?  I replied by saying that I would continue to try and I am also allowed to adjust and change my goals as I go through life.  That opened another door for more negative comments to walk through.  While listening, I decided to think back to something I read earlier in the day from a friend:

The Buddah.

A man throws insults at him, but Buddah continues to smile. The man says, Why do you smile? I just assaulted you with insults.

Buddha: I do not accept your insults.

Man: What does that mean?

Buddah: If you were to give me $100 and I did not accept it, the $100 would still be yours, not mine. The same is true of your insults. I do not accept them, so they are still yours.

Though he wasn't trying to insult me, I was in fact a little insulted at first.  I felt insulted because that's what I'm used to. I'm used to getting negative feedback and reacting negatively to it.  BUT, I am working on changing my reactions, and improving on being positive.  I chose to leave this negativity with him, and by not accepting it, it can do me no harm.  It can continue to harm him and he can choose to live that way if he chooses.  

I really felt great when that conversation ended. I learned a new and simple method of refusing to accept negativity, and leaving it with its originator.

Overeating and Drinking

Ok, maybe I'm trying to convince myself that I am perfect and will never indulge in overeating or drinking.  I have to confess, admit to myself, that this past weekend was nothing but a reminder of what I should NOT be doing.  The exact reasons I do not want to drink, and do not want to eat poorly, slapped my right in the face this weekend. 

It started with drinking on Saturday. I had a few cocktails, then a few more, then a few more.  I woke up Sunday feeling like hell ran through me.  I did not feel healthy and I did not feel happy.  What happens then?  I go directly to feeding my hangover and my sulky emotions with bad food.  Then, because I ate so much I felt crappy and lazy which resulted in me neglecting my yoga and meditation practice.  When I step backwards and away from progress, I usually give up. That's when everything goes back to the daily "bad habit routine."  This time I know that I cannot allow myself to fall back into that place that my negative-self lives.  I don't like her, I'm not really proud of her, and she needs a good ass-kicking.

The hardest part is admitting that I have bad days. I really want to cheer myself on, and congratulate myself for being strong, and resisting the temptation to do things that are harmful to me.  I write all of this down for myself, so that a year from now, or a couple years from now, I can read back and see how far I've come and how successful I've been in achieving my goals.  I do NOT want to read back and see that I have continued on the same path of destruction. 

I want to live a happy and healthy life, so I will work on this one day at a time.  If I step off of this path to health, I need to immediately step back on.  I do not want to take the bumpy detour that loops me right back to the place I am trying to leave. I cannot use one bad day as an excuse to have another bad day and another bad day.  I forgive myself and will make a positive change in my life today.  Tomorrow I will focus on the same.

Patience...

If I had to name one thing I thought I would never have, it would be patience!  Until recently, everything I did, had to be done right, or right when I wanted, or I would start to feel my blood boil. I had anxiety. I had angry reactions. I would even cry at times. I was letting things that were out of my control, control me.

I'm writing this right now while my work email is frozen.  With the job I have, I truly can't do much without my email, because I do a lot of things for other people. Every request that I need to address, is delivered to me via email.  Right now I am fine. I am at peace and I accept the fact that there is nothing I can do to fix this issue.  A couple months ago, I was not trying to work on myself the way I am now and I would have had, and have had, TERRIBLE reactions to similar situations involving work programs or computer problems.  I would start to panic almost, "I have so much to do! I have to do this now! *Cuss word. Cuss word. Cuss word*"  And I would waste time reattempting to access my work. Try and try, knowing it wasn't going to function until our I.T. department had the opportunity to address the situation. 

I used to be this way in traffic = out of my control.  I used to be this way with lines that I had to stand in = out of my control. I used to be this way in a busy restaurant when we're waiting for our food = out of my control. I used to be this way waiting for my paycheck that was a couple days away = out of my control.  The list goes on and on, and as you're reading this, you may find yourself creating your own list of things.

What I am practicing lately is being positive all the way around.  Being impatient delivers zero positive effects to me. In fact, it's completely the opposite. I have been through dumb things that I have allowed to ruin my day, all because I couldn't find the patience.

Guess what? Patience really wasn't that hard to find and I realized I have had it all along. It's just a shift in how I react to situations.  I always have a choice! I will use traffic as an example because everyone has been upset at traffic at some point in their life.  You can choose to let it get your nerves rattled, or you can choose to observe. Just watch your surroundings. Look at people in the cars next to you. Look at the scenery and see if there are things you have never noticed before. Check out the clouds. Or, if you have no desire to look around, take some time to listen to music and just relax.  You have to sit there in your car no matter what, so you might as well make the best of it. If you're going to be late to work, or a meeting, just accept it.  It is not in your control.

These are examples of things I have told myself, and they work. I just had to be willing to take a breath and listen to myself.  I seem to be far more positive in many situations lately. I am actually learning to appreciate and even enjoy some of the things I couldn't stand dealing with before.

Can you try the same?

Positivity in Death

Death may seem a little off subject, and may not seem "positive." That's because death is not a positive thing.  Experiencing death is very painful and that pain strikes at different strengths.  The most pain I have ever experienced related to death, was of my Nana. She was, without question, the most important person in my life. When someone is extremely close to you, that pain you feel inside can be so severe that you don't know if you can make it through another day.  The pain can be both emotional and physical, and very personal.

In the past week, I have experienced pain associated with death twice at two different strengths.  A week ago, a very dear friend of mine lost her Aunt.  I didn't know this Aunt so my pain wasn't personal. BUT, I still cried because there was pain in my heart. There was an emotion I didn't quite know what to do with. I live 2,000 miles from my friend and all I could do was visualize hugging her and letting her know I love her. 

Last night my mother called me, exactly a week after the death of my friend's Aunt, and told me that my great Uncle Buck passed away.  This struck a little closer to home because he is part of my family.  My relationship with him was far more casual than my mother's, that was her Uncle. But what I felt was a different strength of pain because I know how this directly affects my family.  I know how sad my mom is because I know what her relationship is like with her aunts and uncles. I visualized again, just hugging her and letting her know I love her.

Positivity in death?  Like I said, I personally don't see anything positive about death itself. The only thing that you might consider positive, is if this death releases some form of physical suffering for individuals who are battling a terminal illness or some disease that is undoubtedly going to take their life. 

What I meant by positivity in death, was, how do you stay positive within yourself when dealing with something so negative.  I don't know what the answer for everyone, but this is where I sought comfort. 

I sat alone in my thoughts and said thanks to myself. I said thanks and expressed gratitude for the life I have and the things in it. I also expressed my gratitude for some things in the lives of others that I am grateful for.  I also sent some "Om's" in my yoga practices to deliver healing to those who were suffering from the emotional loss they experienced.  That makes ME feel better.  I am doing what I can and sending positive energy out, and maintaining my positive energy within. Negative thoughts do surface, (like I've said before, I am human) but I redirect my focus to the good things that life has to offer and I accept death as part of life.

Keep breathing. Keep thanking. Keep sending positive thoughts, through love, to those who need it.

Namaste.

Gradual approach to change

If you are anything like me, you have tried to make drastic changes all at once, and you failed.  I admit, I have been a pretty heavy party animal for years. I've overindulged in too much.

I would overeat. I would over drink. I would smoke a pack of cigarettes a day. I would smoke pot several times throughout the day...and then I would overeat some more. All the while, doing nothing positive to improve my health.  I would come to a point where I would tell myself,  "I need to lose weight," so I would try to stop everything at once, and start eating chicken and broccoli. Next thing you know, I was binging on all the bad, and gave up on trying to do good.

I mentioned before that I had been focusing on the wrong thing.  Losing weight.  Now that I have redirected my focus to my health, I'm more interested in doing a little at a time to make the changes necessary to give my body what it needs.  It's been about 3.5 yrs since I quit smoking, and since then, I've accomplished very little else. 

You know I have been working on eating more nourishing foods, and that I've been trying to practice yoga daily.  What else have I worked in?  I have slowly been weening myself off of alcohol. Sounds bad, doesn't it? Weening? Can't I just quit?  Well, yes and no.  I'll admit that I have a bit of a dependency. I don't like to admit that, but I actually started drinking almost daily, when I was 15 years old and have taken it "easy" one time since then.  That means I have gotten drunk, regularly, almost half of my life.

A lot of people would probably say that I'm an alcoholic, and I need treatment, but I don't believe that to be entirely true. I just needed to change the way I view alcohol.  In the past month, I have chosen to have a few drinks, but also chose not to get drunk.  I drank on 3 occasions, where in a month's time before, there may have only been 3 days that I didn't drink. And guess what happened when I had these few drinks? I felt like I was doing myself a disservice the next day, and I could also feel the negative impact it had on my body/mind because I have been doing other things to feel good about myself!  Before I felt bad and unhealthy so drinking was a way for me to ignore it. and in turn, I cared less for myself.  Now that I can say I'm caring for myself, the drinking piece just doesn't fit in.

I don't know that I necessarily have a plan to quit drinking completely. To me that's not a realistic goal right now. But, I will say I don't have the desire to drink daily or feel the need to get drunk.  If it fades all together, that would be a good thing. For now I am just focusing on improving my over-all well being and cutting out alcohol "most of the time." Though some people may criticize me and say that I need to quit completely, is really nobody's business but my own.  The same may apply to you whether it's alcohol, chocolate, soda pop.  You need to eliminate the negatives on your terms, at your pace. I believe the more gradual you approach the changes you want to make, the more successful you will be.  If it takes a month, year, or five years, it's still far better than not making the effort to change anything at all.  In hindsight, I clearly see all the years I wasted because I gave up ALL the changes I couldn't make at once, therefore I have remained stagnant.

I will continue with the changes I am slowly making, then I will work in a few more. I have a lot of work to do!

Changing Winds...

I bought the house we live in almost 7 years ago, lived in it for 2, then moved back to San Diego where I'm from.  After being back in San Diego for about a year, I met Joe, we lived together almost instantly, then we had to come out here almost 4 years ago to clean up/repair a disaster a tenant left behind.  Since we got here, we've planned to move back to Southern CA, but I the winds are changing...

We don't like living in TN, so we're definitely not staying here. It's not a bad place, but we feel we've done our share of exploring, and it's just our time to move on.We're planning to move this year, and everyone is there, in CA, waiting for us. Everyone wants us back. I love CA. I love my family. I love my friends. And, my job isn't so bad (I work from home for a company based out of San Diego). Wouldn't all signs point us in that direction?You'd think so...

The wind is blowing me elsewhere. I want adventure. I want to try something new and exciting. I want a new story to tell.  If we go back to CA we can have a good life, I'm not saying that we can't. I'm just saying that we know what to expect and I wasn't wanting to return there for my own reasons. I've been planning to go back because that's what we're expected to do. Like I said, EVERYONE wants us back. For the most part, people live where they want to. People stay living near the place they grew up with all of their family and friends.  It's comfortable and, well, they know what to expect.  I have a few friends that have told me that they wished they could move away but..."I can't, everyone is here."  I understand that feeling. I would have taken all of my friends and family with me when I came to TN in the first place. It just doesn't work like that though.  There's a handful of people like me that dare to venture off, and take a chance seeking a different kind of life.  I was that person 7 years ago, I forgot her, and now I'm remembering her.

What's funny, is Joe is like this too. He's originally from IA, and has lived in FL, Jamaica, AZ, CA. He enjoys being in new places and enjoying the different things life has to offer. We're free birds and I'm happy that we're willing to flock together.

In the matter of a day I decided CA wasn't going to work out for us...or at least for me. I talked to Joe about the pros and cons, and we decided we are going to move near the Gulf of Mexico.  What's in our budget? What type of scenery/activities are we looking for? What do we want in a home?  We narrowed it down to the Mobile area of Alabama.  I'm sure a confused look would cover the face of anyone comparing the sounds of CA to AL.  I too would be confused if I tried to picture this without first looking into it.  But, really it's quite beautiful!  We could still have a country setting, a home 2-3 times the size of what we could afford in CA, have 5 times the land, still enjoy mountains/lakes/rivers, and the ocean!  It's about a 40 minute drive the beautiful white sandy beaches (which are FAR more lovely than CA beaches), and only a couple hours from New Orleans and fun activities I've been dying to explore in swamp country!

So, the new plan is to move South.  I'm excited for the new adventure and hell, the price tag is much more appealing too!

YESTERDAY...I Slipped

Yesterday I had intended to do my yoga practice in the afternoon, rather than in the morning.  Uggh. MISTAKE!  The afternoon gets a little congested with things to do around the house and with the kids, so I should have known better.  So, yesterday was the first day I slipped up and didn't do yoga in almost 4 weeks.

I was feeling guilty last night and was feeling a bit crappy for missing out. I had been on a roll! It was my goal to not miss any days...ever? Is that goal realistic?  Well yes, and no.  It is possible, I know that. And I think it's definitely worth striving for, but it shouldn't get me down if I miss out.

The Erin I was last month, would have shrugged it off and used it as an excuse to skip the practice the next day. And the next day. And the next month.  I know because I did that for years!  I would slip up one time, get discouraged, and before I knew it, I was back into my old worthless habits again.

Today, even though I was bummed at myself when I went to sleep, woke up with a fresh attitude. I had some tea and ate a little breakfast, then decided to just practice more than an hour (normal time I dedicate to yoga each day). I could make up for lost time! 

I did yoga for about an hour and forty minutes and felt so much better about myself! Not only had I repaid myself for my slip up, but I restored a little faith in myself. I didn't allow this to let me get side-tracked and fall off the wagon.  I know I can pick up where I left off and not come down on myself so hard if I do something I shouldn't.  The very worst thing I can ever do is lose sight of the person I want to be, physically, spiritually, and mentally.  Again, I am a work in progress. I can do this!

I know I can't undo a slip up, but I can always make up for it!

Commitment To Self

One of the things I owe myself more than anything, is commitment.  I need to commit to myself and follow through with things as I do for others.  Far too often, I direct my attention to the needs of others, and away slips the things I promised myself I would do.

Do I have commitment issues? I would say, "no."  I am extremely committed to my relationship with Joe. I am committed to my friends and family. I am committed to my work wherever I have been employed. I am committed to taking care of my financial responsibilities. Why can't I make a commitment to myself?  Again, I have previously placed myself last on my list of priorities!  I don't even know how that's possible, but I have let it happen for too long.  My guess is, I'm not even close to being alone in this.

Now that I can see this scenario clearly, I have to make an effort to change it. I have to make an effort every day to make time for myself to slowly re-form this habit into something that benefits me. I don't have a huge list (yet), of all the individual things I want to commit to, but I know where to start.  I first need to commit to "working on change" in general.  I don't think I need to change myself necessarily, but there are, without a doubt, things that I can, change FOR myself.

Nobody that I know, can confidently say that their life is perfect.  If your life lacks perfection, there is room to make changes. But, first we have to be willing to commit to put forth the effort. No matter what, I think that change cannot take place without commitment, and commitment cannot take place without effort. 

Is there something you would like to change FOR yourself? Are you willing to commit to making the effort?